14th August 2010- Reflections on the Death of a Friend

Sharing some of my thoughts of the past week seems to be a good way to work through a little of the sadness I feel at the loss of my dear friend, Patricia Kelley. It’s hard to believe that so many emotions could be packed into this one week since it was really only one week ago that I was struck with the fact that we were really going to have to say good-bye to Pat here on earth. Although she had been struggling with her disease for about 3 ½ years, still I always believed that she was going to win the struggle and be with us for some years yet. But maybe it was blindness and not wanting to believe – whatever, last weekend her condition grew worse, Monday she returned to her home under Hospice care, and on Tuesday she went to be received by the angels and her loving God.

I never had a blood sister, only brothers, but I feel like I had a close facsimile to a sister in Pat. Her entrance into my life came in 1964 when we met at Maryknoll after having spent our earlier years as Maryknoll Sisters in different parts of the country. Who knows what makes a friendship bloom, but ours did very quickly and strongly. I remember so many good times together during those early years, as we learned together and struggled through those tumultuous days of change in the church. We read the works of Teilhard de Chardin together, puzzling over what he was saying while somehow knowing that even in its obscurity it was important. Then she went to NYC for nursing and I to Manhattanville for music, and although we saw a little less of each other, still we remained very close. I remember my graduation recital at Manhattanville, and how she made the trip from NYC to be with me at that special occasion. As always she knew just the right touch, and brought me flowers – just a sign of her always present graciousness.

Then I went to Tanzania and she finished her degree. Her life took a different turn from mine at that point and I was devastated when she wrote to me that she was leaving Maryknoll. I nearly left myself at that point, but something kept me in while the same thing urged Pat onto a different path.

And fortunately even though our paths took different directions, we kept close in heart. We never lost that special connection. I’ve always been grateful that I’ve been blessed with many “homes” – farm home in North Dakota, Maryknoll Center, different places in Tanzania, and added to that was Pat’s home. I was always welcome, felt completely at home in her house; truly it was a home for me. Pat was the only “East Coast” friend who ever visited my farm home in North Dakota, and she did it twice! That meant so much to me, and was such a visible sign that Brooklyn and rural North Dakota have something in common.

I loved it when we were together and people commented that we must be sisters. First of all, I was extremely flattered because Pat was so beautiful. And maybe like couples grow to look like each other after a long time, our friendship made us resemble each other in some way that people saw.

Her generosity to me was outstanding. I won’t even try to enumerate the gifts, but my first major league baseball game and my first Broadway show were only two of the many experiences I had because of her generosity. And looking in my closet I can pull out this which was Pat’s and that which Pat gave me. She liked to get her nails done, and we went many times together and sat chatting while our feet got pampered. She was gracious to say that she wanted company, but don’t think that I didn’t enjoy it as much as she did.

Gentleness, graciousness, thoughtfulness, interest in so many things: These are just a few other lovely qualities that Pat had. She touched so many lives, through her work and her commitment to it as well as lots of people from very ordinary encounters. Her bravery during her illness was outstanding. She will be missed so much. Robert, her husband, is absolutely amazing and his care for her during her illness was an inspiration to many. She loved her boys so much and she is such an example of a loving mother. She was proud of them, and she had every right to be so. She so looked forward to her first grandchildren, and the twins shared just a little more than a month of time on earth with their grandmother.

During these last couple of days of her wake and funeral mass I’ve been constantly thinking about all those who loved her so much and the rituals connected with saying goodbye to her. I have been living in two spaces: bodily I’m here in Dodoma but mentally and emotionally I’m in New Jersey. I’m so grateful to Pat’s loved ones who have kept closely in touch during these days. That means so much to me.
Although we are saying farewell to Patricia as we knew her, she remains with us in so many other ways. Her loving spirit is part of our lives, a part that will never die, and so gratitude is so strongly connected with sadness right now. Thank you, Pat, for sharing your life with me.

21st July 2010 - Long silence

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here. Why? Lazy, vacation, wondering if it’s interesting to anyone. But with just a little encouragement, here I am.

Last time I wrote, we had just finished the first term of school and were planning to teach extra classes during the school holidays. Those went well but unfortunately during the last week of classes the five-month old baby of one of the teachers died of malaria. It is so hard understand why so many people, children and babies especially, are still dying from malaria. It seems like this little one shouldn’t have died – he was healthy, well nourished, well taken-care of. But when he got malaria it seems that maybe he was given too high a dose of quinine. They say that the medication that children were given in the past is no longer effective, and so some kind/dose of quinine is given to them these days. Anyway, little Godi started throwing up and having diarrhea, got severely dehydrated, seemed to be getting better with liquids/oral rehydration, etc., but then took a turn for the worse. When they took him to the main hospital on that last Thursday evening, there was only one doctor on duty, and there also had been an accident and this doctor was dealing with a lot of severely injured people as well. By the time the baby was prescribed a drip, they couldn’t find any vein in which to insert the needle. By 8.30 in the morning he was dead.

I sat with the mother for quite a while after they brought the baby’s body home, as is the custom here. The bereaved woman sits on the floor and those who commiserate sit with her as she cries, wails, laments, etc. Not much is said, but I guess just being there is helpful. The men are in another part of the house, making arrangements, etc. My fellow teacher was sobbing when we met, but later was meeting with other men. There needed to be a coffin made, grave dug, etc. so those were their jobs. So sad.

The following weekend our friend came to visit, and a wonderful visit we had. We lived together 25 years ago: Sr. Connie, Michelle, who was a Maryknoll Lay Missioner at that time, Bibiana Mkenda, and myself. We lived in community, two Sisters and two lay women, and lived so very well together and became lasting friends. Michelle came to Tanzania with her 16 year old son, who stayed back in Dar es Salaam to work with a group of street children. The three of us (Connie, Michelle and I) drove to Singida and spent the day with Bibiana, who is now Headmistress of a large secondary school there in Singida town. We had a wonderful time, talking, remembering those days, catching up with each other, Michelle and Bibiana comparing the challenges of raising children. It was a graced time, and I think we all feel more grateful than anything else for long, lasting, strong, caring friendships.

Then off to Dar es Salaam. We Maryknoll Sisters had a two day seminar with Sr. Efu Nyaki,M.M., who is from Tanzania and whose mission is Brazil. She shared with us some of her expertise in healing and energy work. It was an excellent two days, and very helpful. Those deep breaths in the morning are a good foundation for the rest of the day!

Then a day of meeting, and finally a day at the beach, enjoying each other and catching up with the news of hither and yon. On Monday, Connie went off to the U.S. for a visit with her mom, among other things, and incidentally was able to accompany a Tanzanian woman who has just joined the Maryknoll Sisters. I stayed on in the big city and enjoyed seeing some of my old haunts. I also had a nice visit with the family of a student I had in the early 70’s. Their second daughter (now 32 years old!) is my godchild, and it was very good to see her again after a long time. By the end of the week I was back home, with evenings spent with only myself for company! During the day I’m busy enough and see plenty of people but the evenings are a bit lonely. Connie will be back before too long.

So the second term of school has started and I think we only lost one student. Others are back with plenty of energy and we’re off to a good start. This week many of them have sniffles and coughs but they’ll recover. Hope I don’t catch it ……………

18th June 2010 - Winter

Our winter is here. It’s time for a blanket on a bed and a sweater in the morning and evening. The difference between the temperature in the very early morning and that of noontime must be very great. The sun, so close to the equator that it is, is always so strong and hot but when it’s not shining, the coolness is wonderful.

The students went home for their holidays last Saturday morning. On Friday we had an assembly to close school for the first term, and at that occasion a recap of the first term was given by the academic master. The top ten students academically were recognized and the bottom seven were warned, not by name but they would find out who they were when they looked at their report forms. The school has indicated that any student not getting an average of 45 would not be allowed to continue on to the next level so the warning was that if they don’t get that average by the end of the year they won’t be allowed to go on to Form II. An average of 45 might seem like not much to those who are accustomed to another marking system, but here the marking goes like this: A = 81-100; B = 61-80; C = 41-60; D = 21-40 and F = anything under 21. Testing and marking then follows these levels. Our school average for all students and for all subjects came out to be 63 so that’s a decent average. The English average was 64 so that seems to be where we are. I certainly notice an improvement in the students’ English, and that gives me encouragement and the students feel that as well.

Starting Tuesday we began to teach some extra classes for those students who live in Dodoma. They come from their homes every morning and we have three hours of classes with them and then they return home. Parents asked for this arrangement so that their children continue to learn during holiday time, and this keeps them in the learning mode. And because they live in town, there probably aren’t a lot of tasks for them to do at home, and you know what idle hands are ….. It seems to be a good option for everyone, and will continue for the first three weeks of holiday, leaving the last one free for everyone.

Yesterday I had an appointment at 10.00 a.m. to get my hair cut. As usual, I was there on time and do you know how long I waited? Two hours. We were back and forth on the phone a few times with the hairdresser giving me the assurance that she was coming. “Just wait a little bit longer.” Since I wasn’t in a hurry to do anything else and am sort of on vacation, I waited while enjoying the plants and flowers and birds in the courtyard of the Dodoma Hotel, where she has her salon. All the same, I was practicing what I would say to her when she arrived. And when she did come, she explained that the child of a co-worker of hers was in the hospital and just as she was ready to come to cut my hair, a phone call was received asking her to bring some cooked spinach to the hospital since the child was anemic and needed to eat spinach. She explained to me that she couldn’t not do that or she would be accused of being more concerned with her work than with her friends! So what does one say to that? Nevertheless I did tell her with a smile on my face that if there was another hairdresser here in Dodoma who could cut my kind of hair, I wouldn’t go back to her. She laughed and agreed that was true, once again offering an apology. One of the first things we did when arriving in Dodoma was to inquire who cuts European hair, and she was recommended to us as the only one. She does a good enough job, but time and appointments are a challenge for her.

1st June 2010 – Is it June already ??

Another month has passed and I guess I was a bit busy since the time went SO quickly. I don’t know where the weeks and months go. For lots of youngsters in the U.S. this time of year means the end of school and a chance to enjoy good weather and the fun of summer. I hope some of you can appreciate the mosquitoes that come with the warm weather better than I. And do you know that they like to look at themselves in mirrors? Every morning I can kill (pacifist that I am) at least a couple who are sitting on the mirror in the bathroom. They also like to sit on bed nets, but at least they’re visible there and as long as they stay on the outside then they don’t disturb my sleep. I continue to wonder what purpose these creatures have on our earth…..

We see a lot of baobab fruit this time of the year. I don’t know about you but I didn’t know that baobab trees produce and edible fruit until I lived in this central part of the country where there are so many of these trees. Their fruit/seeds are in pods, some of the pods being quite large (5 – 6 inches long and a couple inches in diameter), and the seeds are small but covered with a sweet cottony something that kids love to suck on. I’ve also heard that these seeds are sometimes soaked in water and that water given to children to stop diarrhea. Collecting these seeds is a business for some, and many people use food coloring to dye them, package them, and then they’re sold in the market, on street corners and everywhere people are passing.

Coming home from work today I was reminded again about how, although we live in the capital city, our area is still very much village. I was behind a herd of cows and goats, and had to wait until they decided to get out of the way. And we hear roosters every morning (early, at a couple different times), and guinea fowls, dogs, cats, cows, goats all during the day and into the night. And this morning during my walk I was out of houses before I had gone 20 minutes, and it was just like being in the wilderness except for the things I could see in the distance. I came across a couple magnificent baobab trees during this walk, and so that reminded me to write about them. Maybe I can put a picture on the page as well, one taken of a beautiful big baobab near St. Gaspar’s Conference Centre.

10th May 2010 – Mother’s Day Yesterday

There’s something about Mother’s Day that’s SO nice. One reason for that may be that we take the time to acknowledge what wonderful influences the women in our lives have been, be they our birth mothers or other women who helped shape us. Even though this holiday is hardly celebrated here in Tanzania, I did get a couple phone calls from women who look on me as a mother in the sense that I’ve helped and supported and encouraged them in some way in the past. It was really nice to be told that they were thinking of me and wanted to know how I am. Just that much, but very affirming.

Everything is going well at school. I had been lobbying for a staff meeting so that we could all be on the same page as far as what is expected of the students as well as having an opportunity to contribute to the betterment of the school. I should be careful of what I ask for: We had a meeting last week, four hours long! But it was very good, with everyone’s concerns brought out openly and clearly, and I think we’re all happier for it.

Last Sunday we took a drive up to the University of Dodoma and this time we were able to see much more than during our previous excursion. So far there is only one faculty, that of education, but we saw all of those buildings with classrooms, dormitories, administration, etc. This is a huge faculty, and there are already some 20,000 students there. We were also able to see the new part of the university that is now being built, this one the Faculty of Humanities and Social Sciences. This is a very extensive and ambitious project as well, with lots and lots of new buildings going up. I think I heard that there is one more faculty that is still to be built but I can’t remember which it is. The word is that there will be 40,000 students when it’s all finished. That should make this town hop a little!

I don’t exactly like to think of having more traffic because it’s nice to have few cars on the streets. However, having more traffic might actually work in a driver’s favor. Why? Because it seems like pedestrians and cyclists are so used to having the roads to themselves, a driver really has to be on the alert in order to avoid them. When I drive into town I usually come home marveling at the many times one has to give way to those on foot or on bicycles, when I thought the roads were for cars! Anyway, it makes for interesting driving.

26th April 2010 - Union Day

Today is Muungano Day here in Tanzania. Muungano means “Union” and it’s the day that commemorates the union of Tanganyika and Zanzibar into the United Republic of Tanzania. It’s always nice to have an extra day to play around with.

Yesterday was the Sunday when parents visit the girls at school, and so I met some new people again. They come to visit and then have an opportunity to meet with the teachers and to ask how their daughters are doing, etc. It’s a nice chance to get to know them a little and to share insights about the students. Of course those who don’t have visitors get a little down in the mouth, but hopefully that doesn’t last long.

On Saturday I had a nice visit from a former student of Murigha. When she phoned I couldn’t quite recall who she was, but of course recognized her when we met. As we talked I began to remember her story. She applied for and was accepted as a student in 2000, but her mother came to me and said that she really couldn’t pay her school fees as required but she begged me to allow her come to school and she’d try to pay little by little. She was a widow, with a couple younger children as well, and just didn’t have any means to get much extra money. I agreed that Ashura could come to school, and for four years I met her mother innumerable times, as she would bring minuscule amounts of money. Sometimes it would be only a couple thousand shillings (out of the 300,000 that were supposed to be paid), other times one pencil, or a jar of the cheapest lotion, or a bar of the cheapest soap. But Ashura was a good student academically, and a fantastic worker. She worked with the cows a lot, and was very responsible in everything that she was assigned to do. When there would be some money coming in for scholarships or school fees, I’d make sure that some of it went into Ashura’s account. And so she finished her four years of secondary school, and then was chosen to go on to Teacher’s Training College. By that time I had left Murigha and was back in the U.S. and so didn’t hear from her during those years. So having her phone out of the blue was a real surprise. She was here in Dodoma to take an entrance examination for further studies in adult education, and I hope and pray that she gets this opportunity to advance herself. Right now she’s teaching in a primary school in Singida region, in a remote village to which she has to walk nine kilometers after getting off a bus. As is usual in many village primary schools, there are more kids than teachers should have to deal with, and she teaches science to 80 to 100 kids in one classroom. It’s a real miracle that kids learn anything with conditions like that, but it’s testimony to the dedication of the teachers that they do. Anyway, it was wonderful seeing Ashura again, and to know of her successes. Her mother’s belief that education would change Ashura’s life has borne fruit.

12th April 2010 – Back to School

Today we were back in the classroom after two weeks of a change of pace. It was nice to have had lots of time to do organizing and catching up, etc. but I realize how much I missed the kids. It was great to see them again this morning, and they seemed fairly ready to get down to work immediately. They were all back except for two, who are reported to be sick, so that’s good. No slacking off with these students.

We are definitely into a change of season, with the windows beginning to rattle at night with the wind. The dust is more and more visible on our bookshelves and other furniture as well, so that means we’re moving into the dry season. But looking around outside there is still so much to bring enjoyment to our eyes. Every open space, i.e., any space that doesn’t have building going on, or farming going on, is filled with wild flowers ( or some would say “weeds that bloom”) – yellow ones, white ones, purple ones – some very tall, some medium height and some creeping on the ground or climbing on whatever they find to climb on. The shapes of the flowers and their shades of colors are so many and so lovely. The millet is also getting ripe and will be ready for harvest before too long. One problem with millet is that the grains are so small and so well-loved by the birds. Birds perch on the top of a head of millet and just start eating from the top down until they have had enough to eat. People try tying all kinds of things on the stalk or over the head, but I still see missing grains on mostly all heads. Every creature has to eat, I guess.

Easter was quiet here but nice. We do notice more noise during the days when the primary school children are at home rather than at school, but on the whole they aren’t at all bothersome. It’s actually nice to hear them at play outside, with their giggles tickling us as well.